It Continues part II

Almost a month ago I started going to the gym on a regular basis again. This past month has been pretty great, I can now bike a mile in 4min and in general have improved. The only thing that sucks is now that my body has gotten use to eating better if I eat some form of junk my body lets me know it was a mistake.

These next few months will be even more intense and I am excited for them! My friend Mary will be my personal trainer for three months and I am sure she will lead me close to death. But it will be worth it!

Day 1

Day 31

It Continues

Most (if not all) of my life I have been over weight. At the end of my Freshman year of college I was at my heaviest (295)

The beginning of the next school year I decided that I was going to lose some weight. Things went well and I did drop a few.

Even after my year off from school and going back I kept doing a good job of exercising regularly and dropped down to being the lightest I have been during my adult life. (220)

After graduating and spending time traveling and not being able to go to a gym I began to gain weight again. This will all change today. Today I am pledging to myself to not only work out 4-5 times a week, again, but to also change my eating habits. I will be documenting my change mainly for me, for those days where I do not want to go to the gym and eating a whole box of cookies sounds like a good idea. Today I weighed in at 246.2 my goal weight 170. But really the goal is to burn the fat and feed the muscle. May the journey continue.

A book?

I feel strange saying that I am going to write a book, because let's be honest, I'm not the brightest tool in the shed and there are much more brilliant minds out there. But why not give it a shot? In the end it might be nothing more than thousands of pages that led to my own intellectual and spiritual growth.

So why am I writing this little blog about it? Accountability that is why! I have a small number of people who will be reading the early (and probably terrible) drafts, but I know with them and now whomever it is that reads my blog will know and I will actually have to finish it.

So what is it going to be about? Good question. Over the past five years I have been studying the Bible and theology. During these times I would encounter words that we would use in class that I did not fully understand. I knew the gist of the word but that was it. I began to pay more attention to the language we use in church and the language Christians use in general. Some of the words that I did not fully understand were among the words used.

I have friends who are not Christians, and if I ever use a Christian word or term I need to be able to explain it to them in a way that one who is not a member of the body might be able to understand it. Not only do I have friends who are not Christian who do not understand all the theological terms that many churches and pastors use on a regular basis, but many Christians do not know. Like me they may be able to give a general definition, but beyond that they are lost. It is one thing to not understand a theological term, but it is another thing to not understand how it actually impacts ones life and relationship with God.

This is where Theological Jargon will come in. Not only do I want to be able to explain some of these terms in a way that the average person can understand, but also how our theological view on these things impact our relationship to God, the Church, and those who are not a part of the Church (Capital C meaning Church Universal). My hope and prayer is that this project will not only impact me, but maybe that it might help someone else.

Again I am not the brightest tool in the shed, and if anyone gains anything from my writings ever I believe we should all know who really deserves the credit.

So here we go. Let the journey begin. Theological Jargon is coming!

Single in a Not so Single World

I have been single for most of my life; in fact I have not been in a romantic relationship in three years. To be honest, for the most part, I enjoy being single. This past September my sister got married to a great man, and I had a blast celebrating with them. This coming year my other brother will be getting married leaving me the last single sibling in the family. Personally I am okay with it, I know I am not ready for a relationship and am not looking for one and, again, enjoy being single.

However, most of society does not share my joy. Since graduating high school, and even more so after college, I have often been asked if I am seeing anyone, or if there is someone that I am interested in, along with all of those other (rather) annoying questions single 20 something’s are often asked. Typically I play the questions off and move on to another topic. Now I want to speak out a little.

First of all, I know many single women, and men, who constantly think about getting married and having a family. This in and of itself is not bad; however, it consumes their thoughts, and actions. In many ways they begin to worship the idea of finding “the one” so that they won’t be alone for the rest of their life. I would rather consume my thoughts and energy on other things that are more worthy of my time. Instead of looking for “Mr. Right” and thinking about who he might be and how we will meet etc. I would rather think about God, theology, the teens that I serve, those who are in prison for their Christian beliefs all across the world. I strongly believe that these things take president over a romantic relationship. Instead of worrying about being alone for the rest of my life I worry about finding a position in a church and ministry, I worry about my kids that are in less than ideal situations. I find these things to be worth worrying about. Finding a future husband is not something I want to worship, it is not something I want consuming my thoughts because there are more important things in this world.

Second, our society seems to think that when one is single that they are broken, and we treat singleness like a disease. I am broken, not because I am single, and I am not diseased. We constantly put down singleness as being less than being married. I have no less value as a single woman than a married woman. Being single I see myself as being a little freer to do whatever it is I need to do and go wherever I am called to go. Moving wherever, whenever is less of a stress than it would be being married (in my opinion). Paul himself said that it is better to be single, now I do not believe that being single is better than being married. I believe marriage is a wonderful sacrament that is to be a picture of Gods relationship with the Church. With that, marriage is a big deal. When there is pressure to be in a relationship often people get into them with people that they shouldn’t. I believe that marriage is a gift from God and maybe it isn’t for everyone.

I have noticed that the times that I feel as though there is something wrong with me, and that I am not fully a woman or complete, is when I am continually asked the typical “why are you single” questions. I know I am fully a woman, and I know that only God can make me complete, and I am complete just as God has made me. Here is a simple reminder to all parents, family members, friends, church-goers, and really just anyone: do not pressure your single child, sibling, friend, fellow church-goer, or whomever to find that “someone” when you do, and even out of love, you are not helping them but simply putting them in a bad head space. When I hear these questions I often begin to think of how inadequate I am and compare myself to others who are married, or in a relationship. It is not until I spend some time with God that I am reminded of who I am, who made me, and that life is not about finding a “soul mate” but rather about loving God, others, myself, and serving.

If you are single, do not rush, don’t feel pressured you are amazing and if you do get married remember that it is a gift from God.

If you are married, thank God for your spouse. Remember that they are a gift that God has given you, cherish it, keep Christ at the center of your marriage, love them, and remember love the singles in your life and do not constantly ask them about their single status.

Christian Sub-culture

A few years ago my friend Scott Evans was in town speaking at Northwest Nazarene University. While he was visiting a group of us went to the Flying M Coffee Garage to have some coffee and just hang out. I will never forget the first question Scott asked as we sat down with our drinks, it was this: “Becca, why do Christians suck?” caught off guard a bit my response was something like “I don’t know. That is a good question.” Just to clear any questions or concerns, I myself am a Christian. I was raised in the Church, I have accepted Christ into my life, I have been baptized, I am a graduate with a degree in ministry and I love the Lord with all my being and strive to live as Christ and be made holy. Scott is also a Christian and if you have any questions about him you can simply read his blogs and books (you’re welcome for the plug friend).

                Ever since then I have continued to ask myself this question. I am sure Scott would not say all Christians suck, and I would not either; however, there is a ginormous group of people who call themselves Christians who do. In my personal experience there seems to be three types of “Christians.” (For the purpose of this specific blog I am going to skip over the first group and focus on the second.)

                The second group would be those who are active in the Church. They do love the Lord with all their being and are striving to be like Christ. However, they do so by creating and being a part of the Christian sub-culture. In today’s western society one can go their whole life without ever intentionally encountering someone who does not claim Christianity. One can become completely sheltered. There is Christian radio for when we want to listen to music, there is Christian television, Christian movies, Christian book stores where we can buy all of our books, clothing, music, cards, and (at some) our house decorations. It is also not difficult to find out which grocery stores are owned and run by Christians, which family doctors, and dentists are Christian, and private schools are everywhere. While none of these are inherently evil and all can and sometimes do serve a great purpose one can easily become caught up in this sub-culture. We begin to teach, and believe, that anything “secular” is sinful and bad and we become so disconnected from the rest of the world that we cannot reach out to anyone.

                Also when we do this we miss out on God. As a Nazarene and Wesleyan I believe in prevenient grace. This is to say that I believe that God can be seen and experienced through any means. God is the creator, and what God has created is good. A few months ago I wrote a blog about how the band Good Charlotte saved my life. I will not dive into the whole thing now, but the essence of the blog was to say how God used, and spoke to me as a teen ager through the music of a “secular” band. I use the word “secular” in quotes because to say that something is secular is to say that it is completely separate from God. If one believes that God created everything than nothing (person, media, creation etc.) can never truly be secular.

                The Christian sub-culture that we have created has become my biggest pet peeve. Now when I ask myself the question that Scott asked my first thought goes towards the Christian sub-culture. Earlier today I found out that there is a web site called “Godvine” it is a spinoff of the original web site “vine.” It looks to be the exact same thing except everything on Godvine is “Christian.” This is not the first website idea that well intentioned Christians have taken and turned into something religious. There is “Godtube” and “Christian Mingle.” Because apparently “vine” “youtube” and other online dating sites are too far gone to be able to post things about God, or find Godly people on that any “Christian” in their right mind would never use such things. How much better than those who are not Christians do we think we are that we cannot co-mingle our videos? How many people that are not Christian visit these sites? Probably close to zero. Yet how many end up watching Christ related things on these other websites? Yes, some watch and complain in the comments (p.s. God does not need you to stand up for Jesus via online arguments) but the point is that they still see it. I do not believe that Jesus would be visiting our Christian websites, stores, or even be listening to our Christian radio, unless it was to correct them (lovingly) just as he did the Jewish community and religious leaders of his time.

                I love Jesus; I love God too much to limit my encounters with God to only “Christian” outlets. I love those who are not Christians too much to cut myself off from the world that they live in. I love my Christian brothers and sisters too much to not speak up against this sub-culture that we have created. As Christians we should give God our best, and we cannot give God our best when we are segregating ourselves in every imaginable way from the rest of the world.

                The third group of Christians are a smaller group. They are the ones who love the Lord, are active in the Church, and are active in the world in a way that Christ is shown to those who are not Christians. They are the ones who follow the radical teachings of Jesus, who are not afraid to speak out against Christians who are misrepresenting God. They are bold in their faith, they are close to God, and they are sensitive to the Spirit. There is a balance in their lives where they can be in the world, yet still not be of the world.

Post NNU Depression?

I have spent that past five years of my life, four actually in school, in Idaho and invested in the NNU community. This is one of many things that the University does really well. It knows what it means to be a community. Through these past few years I have become close friends with many, and most of my professors became mentors and close friends. I know that no matter where life takes me or what happens these people will always be there are me and are cheering me on. This is encouraging. NNU creates an atmosphere like no other.

However, while this is one of the many great things the University offers, it may also be it's greatest down fall. After graduating I moved, I traveled a lot at the beginning of summer and am now back at home in Oregon. This has now become one of the most difficult things. I am in the midst of transitioning from being a student in school to one who is not. After only knowing what life is like in an institution this can be a big shift. On top of this I have my other two siblings getting married, and my families house has recently been rebuilt after a fire back in February. Needless to say, home for me isn't really home anymore. Most of my friends from Oregon have also moved on, and it is at times difficult to find where one fits in at their home church once more.

I have experienced what good community is, and what it looks like. But I was never shown how to find, and grow that community outside of college. I have noticed that many NNU graduates stay in the Nampa area, and within that there are a number of them that not only continue to live there but continue to attend school events, such as chapel, time out, Mr. NNU, etc. This in and of itself is not completely bad, but when that is still the only since of community one has the school as done a disservice to those students.

While I transition through this part of my life, and at times find myself down and on the verge of depression, all I can think about is how my close friends, my tight community is hundreds of miles away.

I love my Alma Mater, I am blessed to have made such great friends, and to have learned from such great minds. I know I am prepared to go into my field of study. The only thing I was not prepared for was the emotional distress that is caused by leaving one close community and not knowing how to find it again in the real world.

Les Miserables, Jonah, and Christians

I have always been a fan of musicals, and lately I cannot get enough of Les Mis. Don't get me wrong I have always been a Les Mis fan ever since my high school did it as their fall musical back in 2004. As I continue to listen to the 25th anniversary live album and watch the newest version of the movie with Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe, and Anne Hathaway, the more I begin to like the character of Javert.

For those who do not know the story, Javert is the primary antagonist in the story. He spends his days obsessing over capturing a fugitive Jean Valjean. While Valjean has changed due to an encounter with a priest Javert simply cannot believe that Valjean has changed.

You may now be wondering how Javert, Jonah, and Christians all play together. Javert could never fully grasp God’s grace and mercy. In the song Stars Javert states "he (Valjean) knows his way in the dark, mine is the way of the Lord." While Valjean has changed and becomes (in many ways) a good Christian, Javert does not believe that he has, or that he is even a Christian because he is a fugitive. He cannot see Valjean as Christ sees him; he cannot see Valjean through the eyes of grace and mercy. Throughout Valjean even proves he has changed by sparing Javert his life, and actively helping others. This leads to *spoiler* Javert committing suicide. In his Soliloquy he states "how can I allow this man hold dominion over me? This desperate man that I have hunted. He gave me my life. he gave me freedom. I should have perished by his hand...and must I now begin to doubt, who never doubted all those years? my heart is stone and still it trembles. The world I know is lost in shadow. Is he from Heaven or from Hell? And does he even know that granting me my life today has killed me even so?" Javert never believed that anyone could change, he never truly believed in God's mercy or grace.

Likewise Jonah became frustrated when God showed mercy on Nineveh after they repented. Maybe Jonah did believe that the people of the city had changed, and he does state how he knew God would be merciful, but he was angry that God did show mercy to them. God’s response to Jonah was blunt and forward. Jonah 4:6-11 states: "Then the Lord God provided a shrub, and it grew up over Jonah, providing shade for his head and saving him from his misery. Jonah was very happy about the shrub. But God provided a worm the next day at dawn, and it attacked the shrub so that it died. Then as the sun rose God provided a dry east wind, and the sun beat down on Jonah’s head so that he became faint. He begged that he might die, saying, 'it's better for me to die than to live.' God said to Jonah, 'is your anger about the shrub a good thing?' Jonah said, 'yes, my anger is good--even to the point of death!' But the Lord said, ' you "pitied" the shrub, for which you didn't work and which you didn't raise; it grew in a night and perished in a night. yet for my part, can't i pity Nineveh, that great city, in which there are more than one hundred twenty thousand people who can't tell their right hand from their left, and also many animals?'"

Just as Javert could not believe that Valjean had changed, and could not extend mercy to him, and like Jonah becoming frustrated with God having mercy on Nineveh, many who claim to be Christian act the same. We get hurt by someone, we experience genuine evil and we find it impossible to forgive. We become like Javert and Jonah. We want justice in the form that we see fit. We want our Valjean’s imprisoned, and we want our Nineveh’s destroyed. Even if they change and ask for forgiveness we find it hard to forgive.

While it is hard, and in some cases it may seem even impossible to forgive those who have hurt us, we should ask Christ to help us to forgive. It is easy to become a Javert and Jonah, but as followers of Christ and as a Church we are called to rise above these ruts we can get in. I do believe that there is a time where it is appropriate to be angry and lament, but we are to not stay there. It was Javert being stuck where he was that lead him to his death. When we stay there we too die, maybe not physically but spiritually.

Maybe I have come to like Javert’s character because I see so much of myself, and others in him. It is easy to watch his character from afar and see where he is wrong. It is easy to say that he should realize Valjean has changed and stop seeking to imprison him once more. Likewise with Jonah, it is easy to watch from afar and see how his attitude and actions towards Nineveh and the shrub were wrong. However, we find it hard to see how we can act the same towards others in our own lives. While we may say people can change society has taught us that they cannot. We use phrases like “once a cheater always a cheater” and “people can never change.” We also see in the media people who claim to have changed but their actions show us otherwise. Javert’s character is not so farfetched when we look at our own legal system and see how people seek a life sentence, or the death penalty in the name of justice. While one may deserve death, I believe as followers of Christ we should extend some mercy. Many of us claim to be pro-life until it comes to the death penalty. This is not to say that they should go free, but for us who claim to be Christians to take a second look at what we call justice.

My hope for this blog post is that the next time you watch Les Miserables, or read the story of Jonah, that you do so through a new lens. Do not be so quick to judge Jonah and Javert, but try and truly understand where they are coming from. Then maybe you will begin to see yourself in them, and then allow Christ to transform that part of your life.

I am Jonah and I am Nineveh

I am Jonah and I am Nineveh

I am cruel to myself and those around me whom I do not like

Not out loud, but in my heart

I am Jonah and I am Nineveh

The Lord calls me to love all

But I only love a few

He has called me to love Nineveh

But I have refused

I am Jonah and I am Nineveh

I tell myself and others about God’s love secretly hoping that God would still destroy us both

I am Jonah and I am Nineveh

I expect Gods wrath because that is what I deserve

But he continues to show me his love and grace

I am Jonah and I am Nineveh

I complain when I do not understand why God is so merciful

God has reminded me that it is God who is grace

While I do not deserve it I receive it

I am Jonah and I am Nineveh

Not only do I need to repent and return to the one who saves

But I need to accept God’s grace as God has given it.

I do not deserve it

I did not earn it

But for some reason Christ loves me and has given it

I am Nineveh

I have done wrong

I have sinned against God, others, and myself

I need to repent

I am Jonah

I need to accept God’s grace

I need to extend the same grace to myself.

I am Jonah and I am Nineveh.

My prayer for me

I’m screwed up

I’m broken

I don’t deserve the life you have given me

When I ask why all you say is it’s because you love me

I don’t understand this love you have for me

I will never understand it

I try to live into it

But when I hit the light I see all my dark stains

I become ashamed

And instead of receiving forgiveness for the stains on my skin I run back into the darkness so I can’t see them

I know the only way to remove them is to accept this forgiveness and forgive myself

And to then go and sin no more

But the darkness is easier

It has become an uncomfortable, comfortable home

I preach your word and goodness from my dark hole

Others hear and come into your light

And I pray they don’t look back to see that I am still in the shadows behind.

I can’t accept your love, because I can’t love myself

I don’t like myself when I fall

I don’t like myself when I see my stains that I do not think should be washed clean because I am unworthy

I am so unworthy but still you love me

I cannot fully live in your love because I do not love myself

So Lord I pray

I beg

I plead

Help me to love me for me

Help me to forgive myself for my mistakes

Help me to see me as you see me

Help me to see myself as I see others

God I accept your love and forgiveness

But help me to accept my own love and forgiveness

Help me to step into the light and let you remove these stains once more

And help me see that they are no more.

Lord this is my prayer for me.

My heart bleeds for the city

My heart bleeds for the city
I would pick big city buildings over open country crop
I would rather ride a subway than a horse to any stop
I would choose to walk the streets of the city than a field of crops
because in the city there are many broken hearts.
The country is not bad,
the cowboys and cowgirls need God too
but i am afraid of us losing site of those broken and bound up in the city
because it is easier to watch a sunset over a fence, than it is to humanize the dehumanized.
I am afraid that the church will forget about the broken lives and cries of the lost in the city.
where it is hard and dark, but where there is also light
See I have a heart for the city
a heart that Christ has given me
the outcast
the homeless
the gangster
the business man and woman
i have a heart for the city.
so Church wont you join me in spreading the gospel not only to the country, burbs, and foreign lands, but also to the cities that are in our land.

stress

there is so much going on in my mind
so much stress i fight the right to run
i try to live my life for God
follow his plans
his word
have my schedule conform with his
but i hear people
pull me
push me
try to get me to do what they want
how they want
in a way they want
they try to make this ministry their ministry
it isn't even my ministry
it is His ministry
i get lost in my mind and conflicted
and stressed
i try to keep my eyes on him
and his best
but i go to this place of contempt and hate
i hate myself for not pleasing all
i hate myself for not being able to give my all
i try to be easy on me but it is hard.
it is hard when so many lives look to you
it is hard when it is you that is trusted with these souls
to nurture to care for and to help grow.
This is not my ministry it is His
I can do nothing without Him
I must remain in Him
I must take care of my own relationship with Him
I must be one with Him and with me before I can pour more of myself out to all of these other children of the King.