My heart is not here
it is far away from my physical being.
My empty shell goes through the daily motions
As my inner most being is else where.
I long to leave this place where I am unwanted
For the place where I know I am.
My heart is not here
It is hours away serving with others
It has found a place where it can Love and be Loved
My heart is not here
My heart is sad
It is sad because it wishes that where my physical being is
It could find what is elsewhere
It longs to belong
It longs to serve
It longs to Love and be Loved
It has tried
It has found nothing
Nothing here
But it has found everything there.
It is closer to Christ there
It is wanted
It is needed
My heart is not here
You ever feel as though your heart is somewhere else? I am
not just talking about loving a place, or people that are in a different place,
but feeling deeply like every part of you except your physical body are somewhere
else?
That’s
how I have been feeling since going to New York last summer, and even more so
since coming back from Chicago/Ohio this summer.
I
really have no close connections here anymore. I feel as though I am mostly
taking up space and wasting time until my big move east. Every once in a while
I feel connected, that once in a while usually comes on Sunday nights.
As I
sit here and glance back at pictures, videos, and posts from this last trip,
and when I see my friends facebook pages from over there I cannot help but wish
I had a T.A.R.D.I.S.
Oregon
will always be home, in the since that I grew up here. I love the sights and
smells of the Pacific Northwest. Nothing beats it. But my human connections
have not been here in years. I don’t feel as though I fit in. It is almost like
going back to middle school (and high school), where I never fit in with anyone
at church, I never made close connections with anyone within the church, but I
had my school friends. But those school friends (like me) have moved all over.
It is
hard to stay. I know it is not time for me to go yet, which is what makes this
more difficult. My friends, those whom I am close with are states away and my
heart longs to be with them. To do life and ministry together. For now
facebook, twitter, insta, and snapchat must do. I long for the day where I do
not feel so left out and alone.
