I am Jonah and I am Nineveh

I am Jonah and I am Nineveh

I am cruel to myself and those around me whom I do not like

Not out loud, but in my heart

I am Jonah and I am Nineveh

The Lord calls me to love all

But I only love a few

He has called me to love Nineveh

But I have refused

I am Jonah and I am Nineveh

I tell myself and others about God’s love secretly hoping that God would still destroy us both

I am Jonah and I am Nineveh

I expect Gods wrath because that is what I deserve

But he continues to show me his love and grace

I am Jonah and I am Nineveh

I complain when I do not understand why God is so merciful

God has reminded me that it is God who is grace

While I do not deserve it I receive it

I am Jonah and I am Nineveh

Not only do I need to repent and return to the one who saves

But I need to accept God’s grace as God has given it.

I do not deserve it

I did not earn it

But for some reason Christ loves me and has given it

I am Nineveh

I have done wrong

I have sinned against God, others, and myself

I need to repent

I am Jonah

I need to accept God’s grace

I need to extend the same grace to myself.

I am Jonah and I am Nineveh.

My prayer for me

I’m screwed up

I’m broken

I don’t deserve the life you have given me

When I ask why all you say is it’s because you love me

I don’t understand this love you have for me

I will never understand it

I try to live into it

But when I hit the light I see all my dark stains

I become ashamed

And instead of receiving forgiveness for the stains on my skin I run back into the darkness so I can’t see them

I know the only way to remove them is to accept this forgiveness and forgive myself

And to then go and sin no more

But the darkness is easier

It has become an uncomfortable, comfortable home

I preach your word and goodness from my dark hole

Others hear and come into your light

And I pray they don’t look back to see that I am still in the shadows behind.

I can’t accept your love, because I can’t love myself

I don’t like myself when I fall

I don’t like myself when I see my stains that I do not think should be washed clean because I am unworthy

I am so unworthy but still you love me

I cannot fully live in your love because I do not love myself

So Lord I pray

I beg

I plead

Help me to love me for me

Help me to forgive myself for my mistakes

Help me to see me as you see me

Help me to see myself as I see others

God I accept your love and forgiveness

But help me to accept my own love and forgiveness

Help me to step into the light and let you remove these stains once more

And help me see that they are no more.

Lord this is my prayer for me.

My heart bleeds for the city

My heart bleeds for the city
I would pick big city buildings over open country crop
I would rather ride a subway than a horse to any stop
I would choose to walk the streets of the city than a field of crops
because in the city there are many broken hearts.
The country is not bad,
the cowboys and cowgirls need God too
but i am afraid of us losing site of those broken and bound up in the city
because it is easier to watch a sunset over a fence, than it is to humanize the dehumanized.
I am afraid that the church will forget about the broken lives and cries of the lost in the city.
where it is hard and dark, but where there is also light
See I have a heart for the city
a heart that Christ has given me
the outcast
the homeless
the gangster
the business man and woman
i have a heart for the city.
so Church wont you join me in spreading the gospel not only to the country, burbs, and foreign lands, but also to the cities that are in our land.

stress

there is so much going on in my mind
so much stress i fight the right to run
i try to live my life for God
follow his plans
his word
have my schedule conform with his
but i hear people
pull me
push me
try to get me to do what they want
how they want
in a way they want
they try to make this ministry their ministry
it isn't even my ministry
it is His ministry
i get lost in my mind and conflicted
and stressed
i try to keep my eyes on him
and his best
but i go to this place of contempt and hate
i hate myself for not pleasing all
i hate myself for not being able to give my all
i try to be easy on me but it is hard.
it is hard when so many lives look to you
it is hard when it is you that is trusted with these souls
to nurture to care for and to help grow.
This is not my ministry it is His
I can do nothing without Him
I must remain in Him
I must take care of my own relationship with Him
I must be one with Him and with me before I can pour more of myself out to all of these other children of the King.

Untitled

I wish I just had a camera and a car
with a million dollars
I would go far.
Far away from here
because God I need to be alone.
I don't know who I am anymore
I need some time to think,
no pressure, no people, no outside feelings
just me, a camera, the open road and your creation.
I am alone as it is
and nobody sees.
My heart aches and breaks for these.
I fight for their approval
but I over look yours.
I see my worth through their eyes,
and forget you are the one who created me.
So God just give me a camera and a place to be.

Good Enough

Am I good enough?
I ask myself daily,
I question and wonder if I am good enough.
I know my past,
my thoughts,
my weaknesses.
I hear that you know me,
You know me more than I do.
You seem to have more faith in me than I do.
I look in the mirror
I see a liar
you see a preacher of truth.
I see a self-centered thief,
you see a humble servant.
I see ugly-ness,
you see beauty.
I see someone who is nothing,
you see someone who is worth everything.
I sit here and wonder if I am good enough.
you say yes, yes I am.

Leaving the Church is not the Solution

This past week Rev. Althea Taylor spoke at my school for spiritual emphasis week, one thing that she would state constantly was “I am not going to leave the Church because Jesus came for the Church and he is coming back for the Church.” I am with her; the Church is a beautiful thing when we really think about it. Many different people from all walks of life coming together to worship God together, no matter where one goes in the world. This is also why I see beauty in denominations, if one is raised Baptist, Nazarene, Catholic, etc. and they go anywhere else in the world the church service might be a little different but is the same.

While the Church is good, and beautiful, it is also messed up; because it is full of people. I have noticed that people in my generation have been leaving the church, or denominations, because it is messed up and there is politics involved in the church and it has (in many ways) lost its way, and identity. Since the church is not practicing what it preaches they are leaving the church. While there are things within the church that I do not like or agree with I do not believe that the solution is to leave the church, or create my own church. If we truly want change within the church we need to be that change.

It sounds to cliché to “be the change” but it is true. We are the ones who are going to be “in charge” of the church and be the ministers of the church and it is up to us how we are going to lead it. This does not give someone the excuse to be a jerk and try to take over and be insensitive to the older generations, or those who like the church the way it is. We need to be sensitive to all, and we can change the church a little at a time. The church I grew up in only had the Eucharist once every four months because that has been the tradition, coming to school I found a church like my home one but noticed that the first hour service has Eucharist every Sunday. This is a change that came about over time within this church. While we are making these changes we need to educate our congregations as to why we are doing it this way, and also how it fits into our history and our tradition.

It is up to my generation, and the next, to be and bring the change and to educate the Church and bring us back to our roots. Jesus came for the Church and he will be coming back for the Church, I am not going to leave it, but I am not going to ignore the issues within it. I will be the change I want to see within the Church.