stress

there is so much going on in my mind
so much stress i fight the right to run
i try to live my life for God
follow his plans
his word
have my schedule conform with his
but i hear people
pull me
push me
try to get me to do what they want
how they want
in a way they want
they try to make this ministry their ministry
it isn't even my ministry
it is His ministry
i get lost in my mind and conflicted
and stressed
i try to keep my eyes on him
and his best
but i go to this place of contempt and hate
i hate myself for not pleasing all
i hate myself for not being able to give my all
i try to be easy on me but it is hard.
it is hard when so many lives look to you
it is hard when it is you that is trusted with these souls
to nurture to care for and to help grow.
This is not my ministry it is His
I can do nothing without Him
I must remain in Him
I must take care of my own relationship with Him
I must be one with Him and with me before I can pour more of myself out to all of these other children of the King.

Untitled

I wish I just had a camera and a car
with a million dollars
I would go far.
Far away from here
because God I need to be alone.
I don't know who I am anymore
I need some time to think,
no pressure, no people, no outside feelings
just me, a camera, the open road and your creation.
I am alone as it is
and nobody sees.
My heart aches and breaks for these.
I fight for their approval
but I over look yours.
I see my worth through their eyes,
and forget you are the one who created me.
So God just give me a camera and a place to be.

Good Enough

Am I good enough?
I ask myself daily,
I question and wonder if I am good enough.
I know my past,
my thoughts,
my weaknesses.
I hear that you know me,
You know me more than I do.
You seem to have more faith in me than I do.
I look in the mirror
I see a liar
you see a preacher of truth.
I see a self-centered thief,
you see a humble servant.
I see ugly-ness,
you see beauty.
I see someone who is nothing,
you see someone who is worth everything.
I sit here and wonder if I am good enough.
you say yes, yes I am.

Leaving the Church is not the Solution

This past week Rev. Althea Taylor spoke at my school for spiritual emphasis week, one thing that she would state constantly was “I am not going to leave the Church because Jesus came for the Church and he is coming back for the Church.” I am with her; the Church is a beautiful thing when we really think about it. Many different people from all walks of life coming together to worship God together, no matter where one goes in the world. This is also why I see beauty in denominations, if one is raised Baptist, Nazarene, Catholic, etc. and they go anywhere else in the world the church service might be a little different but is the same.

While the Church is good, and beautiful, it is also messed up; because it is full of people. I have noticed that people in my generation have been leaving the church, or denominations, because it is messed up and there is politics involved in the church and it has (in many ways) lost its way, and identity. Since the church is not practicing what it preaches they are leaving the church. While there are things within the church that I do not like or agree with I do not believe that the solution is to leave the church, or create my own church. If we truly want change within the church we need to be that change.

It sounds to cliché to “be the change” but it is true. We are the ones who are going to be “in charge” of the church and be the ministers of the church and it is up to us how we are going to lead it. This does not give someone the excuse to be a jerk and try to take over and be insensitive to the older generations, or those who like the church the way it is. We need to be sensitive to all, and we can change the church a little at a time. The church I grew up in only had the Eucharist once every four months because that has been the tradition, coming to school I found a church like my home one but noticed that the first hour service has Eucharist every Sunday. This is a change that came about over time within this church. While we are making these changes we need to educate our congregations as to why we are doing it this way, and also how it fits into our history and our tradition.

It is up to my generation, and the next, to be and bring the change and to educate the Church and bring us back to our roots. Jesus came for the Church and he will be coming back for the Church, I am not going to leave it, but I am not going to ignore the issues within it. I will be the change I want to see within the Church.

Good Charlotte Saved My Life

        Growing up I was the stereotypical church kid (on the outside). The thing that most people outside of my family did not know is that I was a thief. I started stealing around the age five and learned that it was an easy way to get what I want. Since I became good at lying I wouldn't get caught often. In middle school I transferred to a public school and met kids like me, who did the things I did and were on the social outside. Knowing that I was a thief made me feel as though I did not fit in at church. The one time I stated stealing in church it was because my Sunday school teacher asked what a "sin" was. After stating my answer she said "I meant sins that you commit." She did not believe that a second grader could be a thief. That was the moment I knew I did not fit in at church. Not only did I feel like an outsider at church, but also at home. My brothers were the smart star athletes, and my sister was the fun good one. Then there was me, the one with anger problems, the one that stole, the one that was a liar, oh and I was the one that cursed worse than a sailor. 

                  Sixth grade I had finally met people like me. Those friends introduced me to the Punk life, and bands like Good Charlotte quickly became my favorites. I never felt like I could be me when I was at home or church, and this time became the moments when I needed the church the most. My church "friends" stopped talking to me, and wanting to hang out, because I was "weird." So many times I felt like giving up on God, and the church because nobody understood. When I was at my lowest points I would listen to Good Charlotte's "The Young and the Hopeless" CD. Their song "Hold On" was a favorite of mine, the chorus states “Hold on if you feel like letting go, hold on it gets better than you know. Don't stop looking, you're one step closer. Don't stop searching, it's not over. Hold on" The lyrics themselves are speaking about holding onto life and not committing suicide, which is a message I needed then. Now as I read them, and listen to the words of this song I can so easily relate them to my relationship with God, to hold on and not give up on mankind, and to not give up on learning more about God.
         Their song "Young and Hopeless" was the story of my life during those years. The chorus is "i'm young and i'm hopeless, i'm lost and I know this. I'm going nowhere fast is what they say. I'm troublesome, I've fallen. I'm angry at my father. It's me against the world and I don't care." The sad thing is that nobody knew, or seemed to care. I was angry at the world and hurting, and the only one who seemed to notice was my youth pastor. 

           This song is not just my story, or Good Charlotte's, but it is the story of many people. The sad thing is that those close to them, and the church does not notice. We tell them to cover it up and pretend as though life is good, and then we are surprised when people commit suicide, or when they leave the church. The "funny" thing is that after I got my crap together and started changing back to "normal," that is when the people in the church started talking to me again, and befriending me. My friend Scott asked me once "Why do Christians suck?" at the moment I could not give a good answer. Now I know why, because we are afraid of mess, we are afraid to be broken because we have been taught that it is not okay to have Ish in our lives and struggle, and we shun those who are going through it and only embrace them when it is over. When we should be doing that exact thing while they are going through it, because *News Flash* not all people get to the end of their darkness.

         So many times as Christians we separate what is "sacred" and what is "secular." Many would say that Good Charlotte is secular and bad, but they saved my life. They sang how I felt, what I felt, and gave me words to hang on to and sing when I felt all alone in this world. I strongly believe that God worked through them, and Green Day, Blink 182, Linkin Park, and Three Days Grace. I do not know where I would be without God, my youth pastor, and the punk bands I listen to. So thank you to those who were there for me in my darkness and to others while they were (and are) in theirs. 

Do You Love Me for Who I Am?

Do you love me for who I am?
Or do you love me for what I can do for you?
Will you only love me when I can make you smile,
then run and hide while I cry?
Will you only love me when I am light hearted,
and shy away when I get deep?
There is more to me than what you see.
Will you be able to love that too?
Or do you even care?
Do you just want my laughing and jokes,
or do you truly want to know me?
If you want surface level I can give you that.
If you truly want to know me,
you have to show me
your love.

'Cause my God,
my God loves me.
He loves me for who I am
because He created me
He loves me for my smile,
He loves me through my trials.
He loves me when I am happy
and when I am sad
He knows all that there is to me
because He has made me
I am His child and He is my God
He cares for me, and He knows me inside and out.
My God has shown me what true love is.
Can you try to show me love like His?

Don't Want It, But Got It

Have you ever prayed for something whole heartedly 95% of the time and half heartedly 5% of the time, and have no answer, or feel as if it is being ignored? I know God is hearing me, and maybe the answer is no, or not now.

I have come to a point in my life where I do not think I will get married, and I do not want a relationship; yet, I have fallen in like and never before not wanted it. Before I would have said "I don't want to like him", but did in hopes of something more, and I did not want to give up on the possibility. Now it is different in my will. there is no secret hope or not wanting to give it up. Which is why it is so frustrating that it isn't happening. The whole not feeling this way. I have never wanted anything more than to not have these feelings for this man. I don't understand why. Why I like him, Why God wont take these feelings away, and why I must go through this again. I don't like it.

This evening I was skyping with a friend and I stated how I am very traditional when it comes to relationships, in that the man pursues the woman. I refuse to make the first move, ever. If he were to pursue me and then there was to be a real relationship I would pursue him within that relationship. It is because I feel so strongly about the man pursuing the woman, that I (as a woman) feel helpless. I have these feelings and would like more, but i cannot do anything with it. So what most girls then do is wonder why the man is not pursuing her. As my friend pointed out we start to think "I'm not as pretty as her." and "What's wrong with me?" Then girls start to try and "Fix" what might not have been broken. Another friend told me that some guys are shy and they need the girl to take the first move, to which I responded "if a guy likes me and he does not have the balls to do something about it then he does not deserve me." Which I think is true for most situations.

Right now, I feel helpless and frustrated. Helpless in that I cannot do anything about how I feel and frustrated that I have feelings.