Don't Want It, But Got It

Have you ever prayed for something whole heartedly 95% of the time and half heartedly 5% of the time, and have no answer, or feel as if it is being ignored? I know God is hearing me, and maybe the answer is no, or not now.

I have come to a point in my life where I do not think I will get married, and I do not want a relationship; yet, I have fallen in like and never before not wanted it. Before I would have said "I don't want to like him", but did in hopes of something more, and I did not want to give up on the possibility. Now it is different in my will. there is no secret hope or not wanting to give it up. Which is why it is so frustrating that it isn't happening. The whole not feeling this way. I have never wanted anything more than to not have these feelings for this man. I don't understand why. Why I like him, Why God wont take these feelings away, and why I must go through this again. I don't like it.

This evening I was skyping with a friend and I stated how I am very traditional when it comes to relationships, in that the man pursues the woman. I refuse to make the first move, ever. If he were to pursue me and then there was to be a real relationship I would pursue him within that relationship. It is because I feel so strongly about the man pursuing the woman, that I (as a woman) feel helpless. I have these feelings and would like more, but i cannot do anything with it. So what most girls then do is wonder why the man is not pursuing her. As my friend pointed out we start to think "I'm not as pretty as her." and "What's wrong with me?" Then girls start to try and "Fix" what might not have been broken. Another friend told me that some guys are shy and they need the girl to take the first move, to which I responded "if a guy likes me and he does not have the balls to do something about it then he does not deserve me." Which I think is true for most situations.

Right now, I feel helpless and frustrated. Helpless in that I cannot do anything about how I feel and frustrated that I have feelings.